The devil wears prada

Not to beat a dead horse over here, but I’m hurting and venting helps.

Hope is the devil dressed up nice and neat in prada. Very alluring, very intriguing, very charismatic, very seducing and very very evil. I’ve been bitten more times than I can count and I keep falling for it. WTF is wrong with me?! I hope I recover from this bite, but I think it might be infected with necrotizing fasciitis. I may need to cut off a limb to recover. Actually, that would probably be less painful than the emotional side of this. Today was a hard day. I think I am sadder today than I have been all week. Not crying-sad, just sad-sad. DH is sad too. We have our wonderful WTF meeting with the RE on 12/8. Not sure what there is to say about this latest failure. I fear that I’m so broken I might be beyond repair. I’m moving away from the blame thing I guess, although there has to be a reason for this and obviously DH isn’t to blame…

Okay, so here are a few rants I have from the last 24 hours. I know, there are a lot to keep up with.

1. Lets see…our wonderful, now spermless, neighbor came over last night to borrow DH’s miter saw and told us proudly that his wife would be having the baby any day now because…wait for it…her mucous plug fell out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT IN MY OWN HOUSE?! ARGH! I had nowhere to hide. He also went on to mention that he was “grooming” his wife in the shower recently and accidentally fell through the wall and now has a gigantic repair to make. He and his wife are fairly overweight, so I imagine the hole is large. He wanted to show it to us—the hole, not the grooming, at least I think not the grooming—but I declined. WTF?! DH and I just stared in disbelief at what we were hearing. Diarrhea. of. the. mouth. DH wrote a blog entry about our neighbors that is pretty funny. If you haven’t figured it out, his blog is on my list. It’s one of the few that doesn’t have anything to do with IF.
2. I got an e-mail from my mother that my brother was quite upset to find out that I’m not coming up for Christmas this year. He knows nothing about any of this, but I don’t know why he’d be that upset about me not being there. I’m not that great of company these days anyway. My mom wanted to give me a heads-up that he’d be calling me soon to let me know that he’s upset about this. Give me a fucking break! I’m not sure why she told him I wasn’t coming, but failed to mention that my sister wouldn’t be there either. I cannot deal with any of that right now. I contemplated sending him and SIL an e-mail explaining how tough things are, etc, but I don’t think I’m even going to do that. For now, I’ll just deal with him the way I’ve been dealing with a lot of things these days, ignore him. Eventually I’ll face it, but not today and not tomorrow.
3. In the same e-mail my mother, in trying to empathize with me I think, said that she was at her book club and that it was hard for her to listen to all of her friends talk about their grandkids and that it must be hard for us to see families all over the place. You think? Sorry this is so hard for you. I know she means well, and normally she doesn’t say things that sting, but this one did.
4. The home care company called THREE MORE TIMES about the non-infusion on Monday. Seriously WTF?! DH called them yesterday to cancel and explain to them that there was no reason to come out, but apparently someone didn’t get the message because they called me THREE TIMES today. Of course I didn’t answer and DH called them back AGAIN to explain it to them. Nothing like a little salt in the wound.
   

Now a couple of things I am thankful for today, because there are two.

1. It’s Friday.


2. Chocolate.

Thank you ladies for the thoughtful comments you’ve left me this week. It has been very comforting to DH and me to know that we aren’t walking this road alone. I don’t know what I’d do without you and this blog.

P.S. A, I got the VM you left me last night. Thanks. It was very thoughtful and eventually I will call you back. No need to worry too much about me, I’m resilient…or so my mother says.

Regrets. I finally do have one.

I wrote about them a week or so ago. I finally do have one. POAS. I never should have done that. If I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have had such a shitty week. Hope is a dangerous thing with an incredible bite.

Oh and I had the pleasure of the following conversation today at Qu.est getting my third beta done in a week. (Yep, I protested going for a third fucking time, but the clinic is making me. But I am so DONE now.)

Me [somberly]: Hopefully this is the last time I’ll be here in awhile.

(I realized quickly that I never should have said anything, but it was too late.)

Tech: Oh, the numbers are rising nicely?

Me: Nope.

Tech [frowning]: Are they dropping?

Me: They aren’t really doing anything, but I’m sure they are down to zero today.

Tech: Oh, well they are in the THOUSANDS, right?

Me [looking dumbfounded]: No

Tech: Oh, are they still in the hundreds?

Me [trying mightily not to cry]: No. They aren’t even in the hundreds.

Tech [mumbling]: Oh, I’m sorry.

Tech [getting chipper]: Well, there’s always next month.

Ouch.

Right. Because I am so fucking fertile that next month will surely be the month a miracle happens for us—especially with all the sex we are having.

I barely made it to my car without breaking down. I had to stop at home for a few minutes to compose myself before going back to work.

So far though that’s the only breakdown I’ve had today. Major progress. The home nurse did call me twice this week to find out how things went and whether or not she’d be coming Monday for the intralipids infusion (she won’t). I made DH call her back to tell her because I knew I couldn’t manage that conversation right now. I put all my meds and stuff away in the back of the closet so at least I won’t see a daily reminder of what a failure I am.

***ETA***
I just got the call that I offically don't have a viable pregnancy. It was a surprisingly easy phone call to take, what with no hope and all. That is why this would have been much easier had I never taken a HPT. That is why my week wouldn't have been complete shit. Hope ruined it for me once again.

Uncomfortably numb

That’s how I feel today. Just numb. Well, that and stupid once again for having any hope whatsoever that this just might work for us. For me the past is an indicator of future success, and well, I’ve never had any success in this arena, so I shouldn’t have expected it now, not even after seeing that fucking line. Lesson learned.

I came home from work early today with a “migraine.” Just couldn’t take being around people for 8 hours today. I much prefer my cave and a cat when I’m feeling this lost and hopeless. DH is at work and feeling terrible for not being here, but honestly I prefer the solitude. I know he’s grieving too, but I just can’t comfort him right now, nor can I let him comfort me. I feel this profound sense of failure and hopelessness. Like my massively defective body has let people other than myself down. I feel terrible about that. I’ve cried more tears in the last 20 hours than I have in my life.

I wish the result had been negative from the beginning. At first I contemplated whether seeing two lines and thinking “what if” for three days would be worth it because at least I got to experience some hope for three days, but I realize that it wasn’t worth it. Not at all. This is like a big FUCK YOU from god. I know that I thought IVF would be worth it in the end because I might always wonder ‘what if” if we’d never tried IVF, but now I’m not so sure. I’m not sure we should have gone down this road.

Not good news

My betas came back at 13 and 24. So it's over. I never should have gotten my hopes up. Because it came back to bite me in the ass again.

I'm not sure I can do this again.

Do light lines = reassurance? *updated

Nope, not really. I want a DARK positive! Not a faint line! ARGH! I woke up at 2:23 am this morning and really had to pee, so decided to use one of the aimsticks and wait the proper 5 minutes before giving up hope this time. Thought it would be stark white again, but I got a very faint line. Much lighter than my FRER yesterday, which is still pink today btw. I get that they are different brands etc, and the aimsticks were free with a preseed purchase (back when I thought something that easy would make a difference) and are way cheap.

Seriously though, why are the lines so faint? I am thinking it can’t be a good thing. I mean fertiles get dark lines, right?! This is a real mindfuck I tell you. Hell, I’m not even sure when my period is “due” at this point because of all the hormones I am taking. I would love to have something work the way it does for fertiles. JUST ONE THING. The stress of this process has been unfuckingbelievable. Every step of the way has been stressful in some way…a way that it is NOT stressful for fertiles.

I’m going to get another box of FRER today and try this again, although I’m not sure when. I pee all the time, so I never have dark urine unless I go a long time without drinking, which probably isn’t a good idea given that I might be…you know (can’t bring myself to say it or type it). I’m way too scared to try the digital test….


Oh and I don’ think I mentioned this, but last Saturday I took a cheap dollar store test to see if the HCG trigger was out of my system from 10 days earlier and it was, so I don’t think there is any chance this is leftover trigger.

****Edited to add****
I forked over $13.29 for three more FRER tests and got the courage to take one this afternoon (after holding it for a few hours). The line came up within a minute and is slightly darker than the one from yesterday. Still not dark as I'd like, but darker than yesterday. And it's a little fatter too. OMFG...

Complete and utter mindfuck

Okay, so late this morning I decided to pee on a stick. I convinced myself that it should be positive by now and that I wanted to know before getting a call on Tuesday. I’ve getting more and more negative as the week wore on. So I peed on it and watched the stark white window stay stark, save for the dark pink control line. (Because I’ve only ever seen stark white pregnancy tests, I assumed that if it was positive it would be positive immediately.) I watched it for about 30 seconds, got really upset, handed it to DH, who threw it away a few minutes later, and cried my eyes out for a hour. Went through all the “of course it wouldn’t happen for us. IVF works for other people, not us” feelings and basically a magnification of all the angry, sad, failure emotions I’ve felt over the last year x 10.

Then I got up to pee again and pulled it out of the trash. There was a light pink line. A. light. pink. line. One that did not look like what I think an evaporation line would look like. I cautiously showed it to DH and he could clearly see a light pink line as well, BUT because we threw it in the trash before the 10 minute “window” was up neither of us knows whether or not it’s positive. I read up on www.poas.com, which cautions anyone against reading a test after the time limit is up because of the evaporation line that can appear. Here’s the thing though: I’ve taken pregnancy tests before and I ALWAYS pull them out of the trash hour(s) later—there is some sort of hope gene in me that I can’t seem to turn off—to see if there is any sort of line and I’ve never seen one. Ever. And I’ve used this brand before. I’ve never seen an evaporation line or any other line. Plus the test was still wet. Wouldn't an evap line show up when it starts to dry?

So I don’t know what to think. I rummaged through my bathroom cabinet and found two aimstick tests (because lets face it, what infertile can’t find a pregnancy test under their bathroom sink?), but I’m too scared to take another one. I mean, I am really terrified to take another one.

As far as “symptoms” go, I’ve been really really tired mid-morning for the past three days. I mean REALLY tired, which is odd for me and last night I couldn’t eat my salad because the dressing tasted way too peppery, which is also odd because I’ve had it before and never noticed that. And I’ve gotten heartburn for the past two days after eating lunch—from something that has never given me heartburn before. Plus, I’ve got the obligatory sore breasts that I fully attribute to the PIO and suppositories. BUT, knowing what a mindfuck all of this is, I’m doubting all of these “symptoms.” I mean they are probably just nothing but somebody up there fucking with me a little bit.

Sooo….I’m still in limbo.

Regrets. Do you have any?

I read a post on a message board asking about regrets when it came to TTC. It garnered quite a few responses and regrets. It got me thinking back over the last 13 years or so.

I can honestly say that I really don’t have any regrets about all of this. Of course that doesn’t make me feel any better about our situation but I couldn’t think of anything that I really would have done differently given what I knew at the time. The only thing close to a regret I could come up with was having my left ovary removed 7 years ago. But when several radiologists and your doctor tells you that you have a fast growing mass that might be ovarian cancer…well, you do what you have to do. So I guess it’s not a regret, although if I’d know it was an endometrioma at the time I wouldn’t have had the entire ovary removed. But, honestly, I think I’d be in the same boat with two ovaries anyway. I’d still have endo and immune issues.

I don’t regret being married for 12 years before we started TTC. I know with all my heart that if we had had children 10 years ago, DH and I would not be married today. We wouldn’t have made it. We’d be a statistic. We got married young (22 and 23) and both grew up so much since then that there is no way we could have made it through those growing pains and the stress of children. Even if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have changed it. I firmly believe that having a strong foundation is what you build a family on.

And one thing I’ve learned over the past year is that you need a strong foundation to weather the IF storm. I can see how infertility could tear a couple apart. I’m so thankful that DH is my rock. He really is the best. He’s always there to repeatedly tell me that this not my fault...because I do blame myself for this. I'm the one with the problems. He’s only infertile by-proxy. He tells me I’m crazy every time I tell him that if he’d married someone else he’d have a family and when I tell him that if I’d married someone else I’d still be infertile. He tells me we are in this together. We are. And for that I am thankful. I don’t know if I could survive this with anybody else.